2009 Oscars

I'm sure you know the drill. Tonight is the Academy's 51st Motion Picture Awards Ceremony and I will be liveblogging it. Check back during the show and/or follow me on twitter.

8:29 - Sippity sip sip.
8:30 - SHOW STARTS. A brilliant crystal set design. It's got old world glam and I love that stuff
8:31 - Hugh Jackman takes the stage.
8:32 - He takes a dig at New Zealand. Ouch, can't you guys get along?
8:33 - Now he's performing a music number...I'm gonna throw my remote somewhere with my eyes closed so that I don't change the channel.
8:34 - He busted an ill move with the "Craigslist?" dancers
8:35 - Performing Frost/Nixon with Anne Hathaway
8:36 - Now he's a performing a hot ass mess with some people in silver suits
8:40 - Hugh's gonna be a decent host. he's quite the showman
8:43 - Tilda Swinton looks alien and sexy.
8:44 - Whoopi's dress says 'So you want me to wear a dress huh? I'll show you a dress alright, i'm gonna wear some bullshit, and ima wear it to the Oscars."
8:47 - The Best Supporting Actress goes to Penelope Cruz. She looks kinda platinum quincenera but she actually looks great
8:52 - Tina Fey and Steve Martin take the stage in a comedy bit. "to write is to live forever, the man who wrote that is dead." Then they take a dig at Scientology.
8:57 - Dustin Lance Black wins the Best Screenplay award for 'Milk' gives a pretty equal rights speech.
8:59 - Best Adapted Screenplay goes to Simon Beufoy for Slumdog Millionaire. I didn't love this movie but I didn't see the other ones so maybe it deserved it. Good for him/them/everyone/whatever
9:02 - Jack Black and Jen Aniston present the nominees for Best Animated Feature. Jack Black's muggung is amusing/tolerable but the montage makes zero sense. Camera cuts away to Angelina who giggles knowingly.
9:06 - Wall-E wins it.
9:08 - The Best Animated Short award goes to a polite asian man who says Sank You like a dozen times and then ends w Domo Arigato and scurries of stage. I laugh because I am culturally deficient in many ways.
9:15 - Daniel Graig's sexy ass saunters onstage with Sarah Jessica Parker whose dress I hate. They present nominees for Best Art Direction.
9:17 - Goes to Benjamin Button..yawning
9:31 - Okay Natalie Portman takes the stage and Ben Stiller comes out doin a disheveled insane Joaquin Phoenix impression complete w beard and sunglasses. Natalie kills him and says "you look like you work at a Hassidic meth lab"
9:35 - Slumdog takes it for best cinematography
9:39 - Jessica Biel comes out lookin like she rolled out of bed,wrapped the silksheets around her toga style and pulled her hair back. She presents some technical award and proceeds to bore the sht outta me with a category that would be interesting had it been presented on the Discovery Channel
9:41 - A commercial airs for what looks like a hilarious tragedy starring Jamie Foxx as an insane musician
9:42 - Seth Rogen and James Franco reprise their Pineapple Express roles and remind me how I should be watching this award show. High as shit! This interlude is pretty funny, Franco kinda confuses Robert Downey Jr. for Barack Obama
9:47 - Oscar goes to some folks with thoroughly unpronounceable names, Seth and Franco Present the award and giggle at the names like school children. I love it.
9:52 - Hugh comes back go do another fancy dandy musical number. Then he's joined by Beyonce in a red sequin Shug Avery getup. They perform some musical numbers while my blood pressure rises.
9:56 - The HighSchool Musical kids join them and I will never forgive the Academy.
10:04 - Cuba is trying to bu funny... embarassing himself though.
10:06 - Ledger gets the Oscar for the Joker. Amazing performance. He totally deserved it, His performance was amazing
10:09 - His family accepts the award for him and gives a polite and moving speech honoring his memory. It's nice.
10:13 - Documentary montage pops on screen, this dude with the most unruly set of teeth i've seen in some time says something. I lol.
10:14 - Bill Mahr plugs Religulous and the award goes to Man on a Wire, this little frenchman is adorable, and then he balances the Oscar on his face! *clapping*
10:25 - Will Smith comes onstage to present for Outstanding Visual Effects...tries to be funny...fading
10:26 - All the action movies get shtted on and it goes to Benjamin Button...yay
10:30 - Nominees for soundmixing are...Oscar goes to Slumdog...
10:35 - Nominees for editing are...Oscar goes to Slumdog...headache again, tired..will smith acknowledges he is inexplicably still on stage tryna make this borin sht sound interesting
10:40 - I QUIT THIS BITCH. Gonna lay down I can't make it through. Sorry people but if you are watching this then you have my sympathy.

Grammy Awards 2009

Here we go again. It's the 51st annual Grammy Awards and i'm going to liveblog it. Mostly because that's the only way I can sit and watch the whole thing. I'm going to be drinking tonight. Which was my mistake last time I tried to liveblog. I was stone sober. Big Mistake. But let's go...As we proceed!

8:01 - U2 doin their U2 sht. I wanna like then more than I do but only some of their songs are jams to me. Maybe I lack culture.
8:03 - However this 'let me in the sound' breakdown is kinda dope. This song might be winning me over.
8:04 - Whitney looks ...she looks pretty good considering. Still sounds crazy.
8:06 - Awwe, it seems like Whitney's lost her voice. I heard that show she did a few months back where she sounded a mess but I was hoping it wasn't permanent.
8:07 - J. Hud accepts the award for best R&B. I think i'm gonna tear up with her on this one. I love her.
8:08 - Duane Johnson..remember when he was the Rock? Also..remember when he was too sexy for words? Now he's treading in Shemar Moore territory.
8:10 - Justin Timberlake is on already, filling in for Chris Brown's assault and battery punk ass. Yeesh, the day before the Grammy's Chris? You couldn't wait? Let me stop. That type of sht is never appropriate. I knew somethin was wrong with him...remember??
8:21 - Mmm Simon Baker. introducing Coldplay performing Lost! which is a pretty hot banger from Coldplay of all people.
8:23 - Aaannd they proceed to destroy any love for this song I had while on stage. Jay puts on this dumb drunk flow that only sounded hot under the congo drums and guitar production of the album recording.
8:25 - Their performing the Ipod commercial song. It sounds good but the performance looks mad goofy.
8:28 - I kinda like Carrie Underwood's white trash steez even if its made up. Her getup is kinda Mad Max though, and not in a good way.
8:32 - Sheryl Crow and Leanne Rhimes. I like Leeanne's dress but thas the only positive thing I'll say right about now. I only ever think about Country music when watching the Grammy's and then I remind myself to listen to it more and forget again. Maybe next year.
8:42 - Wow Al Green again. He ain't even know he was going on stage tonight
8:42 - Coldplay wins for Viva La Vida. They gon let purple coat talk. He acknowledges the Sgt. Pepper look. Thank the Lord for the self aware
8:45 - Kid Rock takes the stage...I don't know how he's still around. That 'Sweet Home Alabama' riff moves units though. It sells records, pizza, KFC. You can't beat it.
8:54 - the Cyrus is on with Taylor Swift. This is cute cause I don't think I could deal with Miley on her own.
8:58 - The two least known people in the running win it. I knew it! I'm happy for them though. I hope they get off the stage in a timely manner.
9:00 - Jennifer Hudson takes the stage, acapella at that. She looks very nice in this sequined black dress. Her wig is wiggy though, but we're not gonna talk about that because her vocals are killing it.
9:09 - This lady just compare the Jonas Brothers to Cain and Abel. Aaaaallriight.
9:10 - Why do they get to perform with Stevie Wonder? This is my jam though I must admit. I guess this is my punishment for being an Nsync fan back in the day..
9:12 - This must be mashup night. They are performing superstitious..they all sound constipated. I can't tell if Stevie is constipated as well or making fun of them. Probably both..
9:15 - Wow time warp, Blink 182 comes back on stage to announce they're getting back together. They get points for mocking the fuckery that was just onstage.
9:16 - Coldplay gets the award. called themselves a limestone rockband...wock wocka...
9:23 - Craig Ferguson is funny tonight. But I will never forgive him for seguing to Katy Perry. I'm not a fan.
9:26 - She's finally off the stage and now its Kaye and Estelle and Ye's fro mullet. This performance looks cheap and tacky and underproduced. Shiny suits on a red circle. The recession is really getting to people. "Look at this pea coat tell me he's broke" BROKE!
9:29 - Then they gotta turn around and present the next award for best New Artist. Yayy Adele won. I dig her but I was rooting for Jasmine. She's got one of those working class Brit accents like some of my fam (we international, yo!)
9:36 - Morgan Freeman takes the stage. Now theres a man that knows how to put his shoe on a woman and get away with it. That wasnt tasteful at all but I won't delete it.
9:39 - Kenny Chesney...taking a big sip out my cup right now.
9:40 - Diddy does not give a shit. White tee, shiny shirt, sad gold chain. He looks like he's dressed to get the laundry.
9:41 - Robert Plant and them is winnin again, just to piss everyone off i'm sure.
9:48 - Gueen Latifah looks sexy tonight. Blinking at this segue from the Rat Pack to the Rap Pack
9:50 - Wowww at M.I.A. being gigantic in a polkadot bathing suit. This black and white filter is killing me though. FAIL!!
9:54 - Kate Beckinsale saying something...introduces Sir Paul McCartney who won't go away for some reason.
10:04 - Jack Black ...we've reached MTV VMA award status. Jazz musician Hank Jones gets a Lifetime Achievement Award
10:05 - John Mayer gets the award. Talks short and fast, but he has anxiety issues so he gets a pass. The Grammy's nominated Kid Rock for some reason.
10:07 - LL Cool J and Jay Mohr come out together cause they both got J's in their names. Jay proceeds to amuse himself and no one else.
10:07 - Sugarland and Adele take the stage. Performing a song about being the 'other woman' I love those kinds of songs. I like anything that explores the complications of love.
10:11 - Adele takes the stage. Repping for white Team Chunk in a positive way. Finally a representative that isn't a horrid mess. w00t! Also the two sounded beautiful. I gotta look into Sugarland.
10:19 - Gwyneth Bland Paltrow introduces Radiohead who apparently are still on some other shit. I enjoy when they are on some other shit. Listening.
10:22 - Radiohead is rockin the shit tonight. I love it.
10:28 - Samuel L. Jackson takes the stage in his Do the Right thing steez and starts yelling at the audience immediately.
10:29 - T.I. and Justin Timberlake take the stage. Meh.
10:33 - Wolf Blitzers hippie brother takes the stage and mentions that Obama won two Grammy's. GoBama.
10:37 - Now he reveals hes just kissing Obama's nuts to get a Secretary of the Arts position instated in the White House. Politricks.
10:38 - Sweet sweet Smokey Robinson takes the stage to give the Four Tops the Lifetime Achievement award.
10:39 - Fake Four Tops come out consisting of the remaining member, Smokey, Jamie Foxx, and Ne-Yo. This is my song and they not ruinin it.
10:47 - Josh Groban comes on..thank God he's not singing tv show theme songs again. Introduces Neil Diamand
10:48 - Neil Diamond looks better than he did the last time I seent him. My mother is somewhere throwin her panties at the tv.
10:55- My bad I tuned out for a bit there. They did the Memoriam dead faces reel. Then BB King and John Mayer performed a tribute to Bo Diddley
11:02 - Gary Sinese ...still looks like a robot clone. He's about to introduce Weezy and Robin Thicke and friends
11:03 - They doin 'Tie My Hands'.
11:07 - They follow it up by bringing out some New Orleans greats. Well performed and well orchestrated. A thousand brownie points to Weezy
11:09 - T. pain and Will.I.Am present the nominees for best rap album. Embarrass themselves.
11:10 - Lil Wayne done won his ass a Grammy award.
11:10 - There's a good boy. Keep it simple. His family looks nice.
11:18 - Blah blah blah Zoe Deschanel..so that's how you pronounce her name.
11:18 - Robert Plant and 'em are performing. Let's hear if this is actually what it is and nobody knew. This song would go well with a nervous breakdown and some LSD.
11:23 - Green Day shows up promising tobring sweet release in the form of the final Grammy and the end of the show.
11:24 - HA! Grammy of the year goes to Robert Plant and friends. Well hell. Goodnight everybody.
11:27 - Stevie gets on again to close the show down.

Later kiddies, i'm gonna go get housed!

2009 Golden Globes

Well, i'm sure you have noticed this but I have been M.I.A. for a while. My bad. Just to force myself back into the swing of posting my thoughts i'm going to attempt to liveblog the Golden Globes. Wish me luck

8:01 - J.Lo comes out..mic malfuntion already.
8:02 - J.Lo's makeup is pretty good, nice and clean but idk about the rest of her dress, maybe I need a better look
8:03 - got a better look. No ty.
8:04 - Kate Winslet wins, she looks good, and i like her for some reason..hmm. But she's talkin to long already
8:06 - Sting? Why with the grizzly beard? And yet maintains glimpses of the sexy..how does he do that?
8:08 - JERSEY STAND UP! Haha, yeah I had to claim a regional victory today after the Giants lost...womp womp wooomp. :(
8:09 - Clint Eastwood will take you out back and beat you with a stick
8:10 - I love that Bruce and his wife have matching noses and that he called her strong. I love that type of shit, like really love.
8:14 - Simon Baker is still sexy. Remember Something New? That was the official 'let's investigate this swirl thing' movie.
8: 15 - Awwe look at Tom Wilkinson not knowin when to wave. Awwe and he wins.
8: 17 - I love Tom Wilkinson. Wtf was that? hahaha He forgot everyones name, like 'wutevs, Thanks, but I didn't ask you wankers to pick me'
8:25 - My heart just broke. Sexy ass Don Cheadle is in 'Hotel For Dogs'? Why does he look like that. Like a pirate, with the two earings.
8:27 - Eva Mendez is dumb sexy, especially tonite. That jewelry! swoon, and she's all about la Raza...lol well it's not my Raza but cultural empowerment is always a good thing to me
8:29 - Zac Efron doesn't do it for me but this is the most masculine I've seen him..ever. i thought it was Jared Leto
8:30 - 'Not here to talk Trek'..then why are y'all here, who are you guys?
8:31 - Awwe Anna Paquin wins it. Yay! She's like one of the few actresses that looks like a regular person, it's refreshing to me. I still dunno if i'm feelin the blonde though..
8:37 - "thats the last time I have sex with 200 middle aged journalists' O h Ricky Gervais
8:39 - Jonas Brothers?? I will never understand. Is that how everyone felt about NSYNC back when I and other teenyboppers was all on their nuts?
8:42 - Johnny Depp has on his pervert scraggle moustache again. I do not like it. And he looks tired. :(
8:46 - Wheres Savion Glover? or Sandman Simms, they need to hire them to come out w the cane and drag folks off stage.
8:52 - Jakey Gyllenhaal presents a Benjamin Button commercial
8:53 - Drew Barrymore and Sharon Stone? giggle like fools
8:54 - "Ants can't even understand what a giant's talkin about!'. look at Diddy tryna look humble. sweet.
8:57 - Tom Cruise blathers like an insane person. My bad Hanks, Tom Hanks woww
8:57 - Cute moment with Demi and Rumer, who actually doesnt look frightening tonite
8:59 - Heath Ledger *tear*
9:05 - *sigh* I'm starting to tire of this. Yayyy Frost/Nixon...w00t....
9:06 - Thank you Colin Farell, that was a stupid thing for them to ask you to say. And you actually look clean tinite, double kudos. Also kudos for tryna play it off like you don't do coke no more.
9:19 - SETH ROGEN IS TOOO SEXY
9:22 - Alec Baldwin for 30 Rock, thats a dope show. Awwe his daughter's name is Ireland. That's cute, and ghetto. Whites are not exempt.
9:28 - S. Epatha is sellin pens?
9:28 - Cot Damn! Wtf is goin on w Renee Zellweger? SWhe almost never looks good but tonight she looks like she flapped out of a cave.
9:30 - It's Baby Wipes!
9:32 - Paul Giammati is such a little hobbit. EEw did you see Marc Antony creepily rubbin down J.Lo's shoulders? Jeepers
9:34 - That 30 Rock episode was too funny
9:36 - LMAO at Tracy Morgan announcing himself as the representative for 30 Rock and the face of post-racial America, then proceeding to embarass all of us immensly. You have my heart.
9:47 - Ugly Betty looks really nice tonight.
9:53 - Lol at this commercial trying to sell me on this Spielberg show about multiple personalities...
9:54 - SMH at this other commercial trying to get me to buy lotto tickets
9:58 - w00t The Color Purple, Amistad...its dawning on me that I should have been high tonight.
10:13 - Now ole girl w Dustin Hoffman looks alright. Their schtic is cute..wow this Slumdog Millionnaire is stealin the show
10:16 - Sigourney Weaver is doin her thing for giant women, I like it.
10:18 - Grr at the award show for not showing Javier Barden
10:21 - "Curiousity is love, it's Ignorance's nemesis" an excerpt from Colin Farell's artsy fartsy poetic stream of consciousness speech
10:27 - Mmmm Selma Hayek, Viva Mexico
10:36 - This Indian actress is gorgeous.
10:37 - Cameron Diaz and Mark Wahlberg....they are bothering me.
10:40 - I never seen anyone so excited to win an award lmao awwe Kate
10:45 - ....This shit is still on!?
10:51 - I heard Mickey Rourke really wanted to win this one...and thas the last thing I heard about Mickey Rourke in some time
10:53 - WHOO 2 seconds of middle finger on national television!!
11:00 - AAAAAAND Were done! Whoo finally, I couldn't hang with it for much longer but i'm proud of myself for finishing, even though thas barely an accomplishment. The last couple minutes was a frenzy for the censors. Gooodnight everyone.

UPDATE: Highlight of the night. Tracy Morgan's 30 Rock Acceptance Speech